if(harder == better): mattyJoe = faster + stronger else: print("Epic Fail")

So...the last time I posted I was about 310 lbs. That means I was pretty big. Like smallish house big. It just so happens that I'm significantly lighter nowadays, and this makes me happy.

For Reference

Lots of people have asked me how I've done it, so in celebration of my first run since infinity without an asthma attack, I'll post some details.

Firstly, my gorgeous wife, in a brilliant scheme to get me to realize how absurdly out of control I was, started logging her calories with an app by the name of LoseIt. Being the annoyingly curious individual that I am, I of course had to inquire. Shortly after that I started using the app myself. My first week went less than smooth. The first day, I managed to double my very generous calorie budget.

Budget Issues

The terrifying thing is, that one day was a pretty accurate portrayal of my daily eating habits. It's a miracle I wasn't large enough to merit my own zip code and classification as a land mass. The point being, the largest problem I had was my poor estimation of my daily caloric intake. I thought I was eating healthy, that I was doing a great job and was shortly to drop astronomical amounts of weight. I was right about the last part, but the first was purely delusional.

Using the app, I shortly gained control of my eating habits. For those that use similar situations and continue to watch your girth increase, I have some decent advice. Overestimate the quantity of food you consume and underestimate the amount of exercise you've performed. I wish I could say that this would give you some wiggle room, but in actuality, it's far more likely that you have been cheating yourself subconsciously because hard numbers and red bars make you feel like the fat kid in dodgeball again. Like you are picking on yourself.

So, for me it was pretty smooth sailing- until I exited the realm of morbid obesity at least. I dropped on average 7 lbs a week, without becoming anemic or faint. I know this seems off but I'm sure that this was not unhealthy weight loss. I truly feel that this was just a byproduct of morbid obesity losing its battle against reasonable eating habits. When you weigh 310 lbs and suddenly begin eating like a human rather than a medium sized farm animal, you cease to be a medium sized farm animal with the quickness. 

Once I was down to a reasonable, non life threatening weight, it became considerably more difficult to shed the pounds. Where I was able to eat nearly 3K calories a few months ago, my budget is now 2K. I feel that for most people this would be reasonable but my eating habits are somewhat restricted due to my job and my strong affinity for shitty food. Side note: You can eat whatever the hell you want, but if you feel like having 4 donuts for lunch, I hope you are cool with skipping breakfast and dinner. Now it was time for a new thing: Exercise (ugh...exercise).

At first, I thought I could do the diet without exercise, but once the budget dropped, I found myself consistently going over. While it's ok to go over a day here or there, the key to loss lies in being at a calorie deficit come 23:59 Sunday. However, when you begin to go over every day, you need to fix things. One day, when I went over by 200 calories, rather than let it slide and try to eat less the next day, I decided to get off my slightly less fat ass and go for a walk. It worked.

In addition to walking, I tried padding the budget with as much unlogged activity as I could conveniently fit in. I park on the roof of the parking garage and take the stairs down and up, no matter how tired I am. I park in the farthest possible spot of the shopping center, which also saves me frustration and fuel from searching for parking. And while I do log it, when I get downtime at work, instead of sitting in the ambulance working on a sweet case of Deep Vein Thrombosis, I speed walk. I try to hit an hour on slower days and just go as long as possible on busy days.

A few weeks later, I find myself writing this post having gone for my first real run in forevertimes. Tonight I set out for a long walk with my podcasts and pup to keep me company. About 5 minutes into the walk, we had to jog to cross the street and I just didn't stop. It's not much for most, but for any fat guy, jogging 2 miles in 20 minutes is a reach. Suffice it to say, I consider it a huge achievement. And the crazy thing is...I fucking loved it! Word on the street is that running is way easier on your body when you don't have your own gravitational pull. At first I had some rough breathing and leg soreness, but I just kept going, and next thing I knew, the sweet sounds of The Hex Grid (an amazing nerd music podcast brought to you by Nerdy Show) were pushing me along. I didn't want to stop. 

Having talked to my friend John Biffar, a marathonist and overall master of skinny-person activities, about getting started in the whole not sitting on my ass thing, I heeded his advice to listen to the body when my right hip started to feel a bit sore. I'm aware that these things will happen while my body gets used to moving for more than 5 minutes a day so I'm not concerned. Matter of fact, I have more energy post run than I did before and I'm pumped to go for a run tomorrow. 

Another side note: Dogs don't get tired and that's bullshit. Humans have to constantly work on improvement to get their cardio up but my dog, having been sedentary since birth, ran the two miles without so much as sticking her tongue out or considering slowing down. It's a pleasant surprise but I had no idea that something with such little legs could be such a great running partner. 

Emma as a wee pup. Not much bigger now.

Well, that's pretty much it. I hope it helps inform someone who needs it, or at least let's everyone know that I haven't found a miracle fat fighting drug. I'll include some links to the things I've mentioned at the bottom. If you have comments or questions not pertaining to my profound overuse of run-on sentences, I'd love to read them below. 

I wan't to be the Tony Stark kinda nerd, not the Comic Book Guy kinda nerd.

LoseIt: You can find the apps on IOS and Android app stores, but the website is http://www.loseit.com/

Nerdy Show: http://nerdyshow.com/

The Hex Grid: http://nerdyshow.com/category/shows/the-hex-grid/